Not My Conference Paper
by AllenCodd
Summary: While scrolling through fanfiction one night, we discovered a Once Upon a Time fic set at our college of Sarah Lawrence that did not truly capture the essence of this school. In this fic, the OUAT characters have the true SLC experience of suffering through conference week, which is the period at the end of the semester when everyone is writing 100 papers and is also in hell
1. The Vending Machine and SLCWLAN

**AN:**

Hey so I definitely should be sleeping or thinking about my conference paper at 2:29 AM, but instead I am writing this. As we all know, the only OUAT fanfiction to feature Sarah Lawrence College did not include all of the things we know and love about our school, ranging from the exquisite dining to the wonders of 24-Hour Library during Conference Week. If you have not been to either of these things you are incredibly lucky and extremely deprived. Now, this fic will center on the characters as they come to terms with conference week(s). Enjoy?

It was the 28th of April and no one was ready for what was coming. As May was approaching, this meant the end of a hard school year, but also that the biggest danger was coming closer - CONFERENCE WEEK. The only person who seemed remotely excited about this was Belle, who was mainly looking forward to the 24 hour library opportunities so that she could spend more time working on her complex study of how the tale of Beauty and the Beast has been portrayed overtime in various forms of media.

The story begins with the six students: Rumpelstiltskin, Belle, Regina, Emma, Hook, and Zelena. The Wi-Fi connection had gone out once again in Esther Raushenbush Library, and the only place to find solace was at the lower level vending machines. Separately they all went downstairs to grab a snack, hoping that when they returned to their work, the Wi-Fi would be working again so that they could continue to write their conference papers on Google Docs or on their free student Microsoft Word Online accounts. The first one to approach this machine was Emma Swan, looking for some potato chips. She inserted her 1-Card into the machine, only to find out that she put it in backwards and had to try again. It took a while, but finally the machine accepted her card.

"Hey by the time you get that snack maybe the Wi-Fi will be working again." Emma turned around, startled by the voice behind her, only to find Regina Mills. Regina was in Emma's film lecture, and she seemed a bit intimidating to her, as she was the one of the few students brave enough to raise their hand in the crowded 60-person lecture. "Oh, I'm sorry, the machine doesn't seem to be working super well today" Emma sighed.

"That isn't the homophobic vending machine from Garrison/Taylor! If this machine isn't working either I'm going to have to go to the pub and order a sandwich from the sandwich line." The two girls turned around only to see Rumpelstiltskin also waiting in line for the machine. "Yeah well I don't think any of us want to actually go outside and walk to the pub right now, I'm just going to get a bottle of water, or should I say a bottle of ice, from the water bottle machine" replied Regina.

The door from the stairs slammed closed as Hook and Robin entered the area. These two boys were known to be Heimbros* and it was weird to see them outside of their natural habitat. The people already congregated at the vending machines rolled their eyes at the entrance of these two boys, as Heimbros are incredibly pretentious and annoying. "Come on let's go back upstairs, I don't want to have to interact with heimbros today, plus maybe the Wi-Fi is back up and I can continue actually writing my conference paper" said Regina, rolling her eyes at the heimbros.

The three of them walked up the stairs and began to head back to the places where they were studying, but Emma made a suggestion, "Hey since we're all suffering with this, do you all wanna study together? I'm by myself at one of the tables above the Library Cafe."

"I would be ok with that. I had to sit at one of those single tables by the stairs, which makes it _very _hard to focus on my work because people are always so loud coming up and down the stairs." replied Regina.

"I'm okay with not doing that actually. I already finished my conference work and I just came here to people watch." Rumple said.

"I can tell you're lying to us about conference work, but you can always people watch from up there" suggested Emma.

"Alright, I guess that will do" said Rumple.

"Well I'll go grab my things and join you." Regina left the group to go over to her desk and pack up her several books and notebooks that were strewn across the small desk space.

*Heimbro- Boys who are usually assholes that hang out in Heimbold all the time, they try too hard to be edgy and cool and are usually ~artsy film students~


	2. Library Hell

"Ughhhhh." Emma slammed her head loudly on the desk, startling Regina out of her concentration. "This fucking _sucks_."

"What are you even doing? We've been here for hours and I haven't seen you type a single word," Regina asked, her voice dripping with irritation.

"I'm trying to finish this final paper, but there is literally nothing in the world I want to do less than write about some boring history shit I don't care about." Frustrated, Emma spun back and forth in her comfortable chair stolen from the library computer lab. Regina sighed and sorted through the piles of paper strewn across the wooden table they shared on the top floor of the library. They had been there since breakfast and it was now 10 pm.

"Reginaaaaaa. I want to do something else I hate this so much," Emma whined, sliding out of her chair and lying on the floor like a petulant child.

"Go get something from the cafe," Regina suggested.

"I can't, it's closed!" As Emma groaned, they both saw someone stand up from a single-person desk across from their table.

"Hey. Can you please shut the fuck up?" Rumpelstiltskin glared at them, looking remarkably unstressed for a student in the throes of conference season. "Some of us come to the library for a little peace and quiet, not to listen to a couple of whiny first years who are too lazy to do their work."

"Okay, first of all," Regina interjected, "fuck you. Second of all, you're not even working right now. Don't you have conference papers to write or something?"

"Don't worry about what I may or may not have to write. But if you could keep your incessant complaining to a minimum that would be much appreciated, thank you." And he sauntered off, looking as smug as ever.

"I hate him," Regina muttered. Emma had dragged herself back into her chair and was now making angry hand gestures at her laptop, as if to force it to obey her will. "Wifi not working again?"

Emma punched the keyboard in response, spewing obscenities under her breath. The wifi icon on her laptop still displayed no bars and claimed to be searching for a network, although any Sarah Lawrence student knew that its search would inevitably be fruitless. Even if Emma wanted to continue writing her paper (which of course she didn't), it seemed that SLCWLAN would be there to prevent any hope of a productive evening. Emma glared at the single short paragraph that currently made up her medieval art history final paper, hoping that it would become four pages through sheer force of will alone. The cursor on the half-blank page blinked back mockingly. She sighed, annoyed at the prospect of an all-nighter that was rapidly becoming more likely the longer she procrastinated. Oh well, at least the library was open 24 hours. There was nothing more disheartening than having to finish an essay in the MacCracken study room after the library closed. Or worse, the interrogation room. Emma shuddered at the thought of late nights spent trying to concentrate on writing in that stiflingly hot hellhole. At least during all-nighters in the library there were windows so you could tell when the sun rose.

"Finished!" Regina said proudly, hitting send on her email to printbw . "15 pages on misrepresentations of villains in modern fairy tale adaptations. Not bad for a first draft." She surveyed her work proudly, admiring the word count that was well past the minimum. Emma grimaced at her single lonely paragraph as Regina pulled out her 1card and headed towards the printers.

"Wanna write mine for me?" she called after her desperately. Regina just laughed.

"Screw that! I'm going to bed. I still have two more conference papers to write this week, I'm gonna sleep when I can." Returning with her conference draft still warm from the printer, Regina gathered up the rest of her things so she wouldn't have to make multiple trips after using the staplers at the information desk downstairs. "Good luck with your paper, though. I hope you're not up too late." Regina smiled warmly at Emma as she turned to leave, and for a brief moment the butterflies in Emma's stomach distracted her from the overwhelming stress of conference season. Then she looked back at how much she still had to do and the butterflies all just fucking died. Emma settled in begrudgingly for a long and exhausting night.


	3. The Adventures of The Pub

**CH 3. The Adventures of The Pub**

It was a Saturday at Sarah Lawrence College, and all of the students were complaining about the lack of food options.

"Fuck I wish Bates was open all day, I might die if I have to eat at The Pub again! They can never get my food right." Zelena complained. After a second, she added. "Well except for that one Wednesday where the bacon to cheese ratio was perfect on my grilled cheese. But other than that it's been terrible!"

"That's the exact reason why I have stopped eating at The Pub on weekends" Regina replied.

"What do you eat on weekends then? Do you actually cook?" Asked Emma, shocked that Regina would forgo eating at The Pub for something more complicated.

"God no! Do you really think that _I _would use the dorm kitchens! They are the most disgusting things I have seen in my life. I get Uber Eats for dinner on Saturdays and Sundays, with leftovers for lunch. Havana Central and Anthony's Famous Salad Bar always have the best healthy options." Replied Regina.

Rumpelstiltskin suddenly appeared behind the three of them. "Well we can't spend all day arguing can we? Let's just go to the pub since we're here and I need to use some of my meal money." He suggested.

Zelena rolled her eyes. "Ugh fine I guess, but it's not going to be good."

"If I die tonight, it's your fault Rumple!" Regina opened the door to the pub, overwhelmed by obnoxious pop music and the smell of fried food.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The group entered the main area of the pub and walked around to the small area that contained drinks and snacks. Rumple and Emma ran over to the chips section looking for the really good kettle chips, only to see that there weren't any stocked. Disappointed that one of the only good things from The Pub wasn't available, they grabbed drinks and pre-packaged boxes of chicken tenders and curly fries. Regina went to the health bar and ordered a salad containing only lettuce and blue cheese, as they were out of chicken. Zelena stood in line and ordered a grilled cheese with bacon, hoping that it would be made well.

Even though most of the group had their food already, they all waited with Zelena for her food. Ten minutes later, her number was called and they all went back to MacCracken to eat their meals. Once they got to Regina's room, they all sat down on her rug and began to eat.

Zelena peeled back the bread on her grilled cheese, "Fuck! The ratio is off! Ughhh I should've ordered chicken tenders."

"Always play it safe, I get this every time." Said Emma before biting into a chicken tender.

Regina took a bite of her salad and soon had a look of disgust on her face, "Oh my god! This cheese tastes so weird! The lettuce is...fine, but I cannot eat this cheese".

"I am not sharing with any of you, it's not my fault that you guys made bad decisions." Rumple laughed, pushing his box of fries and tenders away from the rest of the group.

Just then, Tinkerbell came into the room with a wrap from The Pub and joined the rest of the group on the rug. "Hey guys! Sorry I took so long, I got really far ahead on my readings at the library." She opened her wrap and took a bite. "Wow! This wrap is actually pretty good!"

"Good to know that some of us got good food." Regina rolled her eyes and used her fork to move around the cheese in her salad.

"You can have some of my chicken tenders and curly fries if you want." Said Emma, pushing her food towards Regina.

"No, it's alright, I don't particularly like eating those." Regina pushed the food back towards Emma.

"Are you sure? You look miserable." Emma frowned.

"I'm certain. I think I'll survive" Regina grimace through another bite of her salad.

Emma threw one of her curly fries at Regina, which landed in her hair.

"Hey! What the hell?!" Regina exclaimed as she removed the greasy fry from her hair and placed it in the garbage. The look of disgust on her face could not be put into words.

"Sorry, but you gotta eat something! At least try one of my fries?" Emma suggested.

"Fine. But just one fry." Regina reached out her hand and Emma placed a large curly fry onto her palm.

"Holy shit! Is 'Gina gonna actually eat fried food?!" Zelena exclaimed.

"Yeah, is Hell freezing over?" Rumple added jokingly.

Regina rolled her eyes at the two of them, "Come on guys, I attend _**this **_college. I cannot possibly avoid fried foods all the time." With that, Regina ate the fry in one bite. She was pleasantly surprised at how good the fry was. She had gone her whole college career without once ordering the infamous Pub curly fries and she was just now realizing what she had been missing out on. As she continued to eat the fry, she closed her eyes and began to see patterns of beautiful colors. It was like that scene in _Ratatouille_ (one of her favorite films) in which Remy is describing to his friend the beauty of pairing cheese with strawberries.

"So, you liked the fry?" Asked Emma.

"Um, no. Definitely not!" Regina lied; she loved these fries more than anything she had ever eaten on campus. "It tasted like soggy cardboard." Regina huffed.

"So, if I offered you more of my fries, you wouldn't take them?" Emma could tell that Regina was lying. Anyone who that that reaction to an item of food must love it.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly decline your offer. I mean the fries are better than this salad." Regina scooted closer to Emma and grabbed another curly fry.

Tinkerbell started clapping, "Yayy! Go Emma! We have all been trying to get Regina to try a Pub curly fry for AGES."

"Guys, the only reason I am eating these is because if I ate the cheese on my salad, I would likely die. This at least provides some substance." Regina responded as she continued to eat Emma's fries. That night, Emma ended up letting Regina eat all of her curly fries.


	4. Ch 4: Cleaning Day

**Ch. 4: Cleaning Day**

Regina rolled over and looked at her phone as her alarm went off. It was 9:05 AM and it was the cleaning day for her and her roommate, Tinkerbell. They lived in MacCracken and were forced to share a bathroom with Hook, the worst heimbro and the most disgusting bathroom-mate. He always seemed to track mysterious dirt into the bathtub and onto the bathroom floor under his decaying rugs and didn't care for keeping the place clean. It was up to her and her roommate to keep the place spotless and without mold.

"Ughh can I go back to sleep! I stayed up 'till 2:00 AM dancing in The Blue Room last night and I so do not want to get up right now." Groaned Tinkerbell, rolling back over on her bed.

"No. It is your fault for staying up so late before our cleaning day. Besides. you can always go back to sleep when we're done with cleaning." Regina replied. She picked up her phone, texting the group chat about when they were planning on heading to Bates for brunch. Of course, no one replied as they were all still sleeping. No one liked to wake up early on this campus and Regina could never understand why.

"Okay I am finally up and ready to clean. Let me text Hook to let him know that we will be cleaning right now." As Tinkerbell was getting ready to text Hook, their bathroom door locked and they heard water running from the other side. "Fuck! He always does this to us! Do you think he does it on purpose?" Asked Tinkerbell, annoyed that Hook would do this AGAIN.

"I mean I wouldn't put it past him. We really don't get along and he seems to do everything he can to annoy us because of it" Regina replied.

"Well in that case, can I get more sleep until he's done?" Asked Tinkerbell, slightly thankful for their shitty bathroom-mate's shower schedule.

"Fine. But I'm going to Bronxville and getting fruit for breakfast. There is no way I am heading to Bates brunch, especially without anyone I know being there." Regina got dressed and headed to Bronxville.

**1 HOUR LATER**

Regina returned to the dorm to find Tinkerbell preparing the cleaning supplies. "He finally got out of the shower! Ready to clean?" she asked.

"It's about time. Let's get started before he goes back in there and takes four more hours getting ready." Regina replied, excited to actually start cleaning.

The two of them completely scrubbed down the bathroom, clearing it of any trace of dirt or Hook's germs. Once every surface was thoroughly cleaned, Regina texted Hook to let him know that they were finished with cleaning the bathroom. "I cannot wait until next year when we won't have to put up with _him." _Next year, Regina would be an RA and was looking forward to having her own bathroom where she wouldn't have to worry about someone coming in and ruining it all of the time. "I am going to head over to the library to try and finish some of my conference work. Wish me luck!" With that, Regina left, ready to get some work done.

**30 Minutes Later**

Regina kept getting notifications on her phone, which annoyed her as she was trying to focus on her work and she did not like getting distracted.

"Who's that? Your secret girlfriend?" Emma playfully asked, looking up at Regina. Emma had become Regina's new study mate in the library for the conference season, claiming that because Regina was always so good at focusing on her work, she inspired her to achieve the same level of focus. This was not true though, as Emma had been at the library for an hour, and only had her name written at the top of her conference paper.

"No. It's my roommate. I have to go to the room for a second, I'll be back." Regina rolled her eyes, putting her phone in her purse and getting ready to leave the library.

"Oh, so it IS a secret lover?" Emma asked again, teasing Regina.

"For the last time NO, she is just my roommate. This is about my _lovely _bathroom-mate, Hook." Regina replied.

"Ugh you have to share a bathroom with that annoying heimbro? He tried to ask me out a couple of times and I think he stalked my facebook feed to flirt with me? He's so gross, I'm sorry" Responded Emma.

**AT MAC**

Regina opened the door to their room. "Okay I received your emergency text, what happened?"

"You're NOT gonna believe this! Come look in the bathroom!" Tinkerbell nervously paced back and forth waiting for Regina to see what Hook had done in the bathroom, preparing for the outburst that was going to come.

Regina put on her sandals and opened the door to the bathroom. The once spotless bathroom from just 35 minutes ago was now ruined again. Hook had somehow managed to track more dirt into the bathtub and leave behind his disgusting toothpaste residue on the sink and the mirror. Regina gasped at the disaster. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Regina yelled.

"Yeah it's pretty bad, what should we do?" Tinkerbell didn't want to add more drama between them and their bathroom-mate but this was the last straw.

"I am going to KILL him! It's clear he did this just to piss me off!" Regina knocked on Hook's door to the bathroom and waited for a response. Hook opened the door, looking hungover, probably from partying too hard after the Blue Room dance.

"You got a problem, love?" He asked, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes.

"Yes I do. My roommate and I just spent over an hour cleaning this room and the first thing you do is mess it up again?"

"Sorry, uh what did you say?" Hook paled and threw up on the bathroom floor, some of which landed on Regina's boots. She growled in anger and took off her boots. She tossed them into Hook's room and looked him in the eyes.

"I'll have you know that those boots are **designer **and you _are_ responsible for paying for their cleaning." With that she turned back to her room and slammed the bathroom door shut.

"I'm heading back to the library." Regina turned to leave but stopped when she heard Tink call her name.

"Umm you might want to put shoes on first?"

"Yes, that would be a smart idea." She pulled on her sneakers that she didn't wear too often because they emphasized how short she really was. "Okay NOW I'm heading back to the library."

SLCSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLSLS

Emma looked up from her laptop, "Hey, you're back! How'd it go?"

"Not well. I don't want to talk about it right now." Regina sat down next to Emma and let out a deep breath.

"Hey, did you change your shoes?" Emma asked, noticing the shoe change.

"Don't ask." Regina responded as she turned back to her computer and continued working on her assignments.


End file.
